What do I put in my Bottle Bidet?

Water. Just water. Whatever temperature you like. Do not use anything else. Water is the only thing. Just water. Nice clear water. And at whatever temperature feels good to you: cool, tepid, warm. Just water. Are we all clear on that? Water is delicious, and so naturally it would be all you would use.

We do not recommend adding anything at all to water in your Bottle Bidet. Be careful to not use water that is too hot or too cold. You will not like it at all.

What does a Bottle Bidet look like?

The Bottle Bidet itself is a plastic, squeezably soft bottle with an angle spout. The glamorous storage tote is a perfectly sized purse for your bottle bidet, made from scraps from the Ideal Garment studio. It has a strap that allows for easy carrying, or for hanging on a doorknob or hook.

What is a "bidet"?

A traditional bidet is a wash sink for your butt (by which we mean the whole nether region). It has the general appearance of a wierd toilet, and is often mistaken for one by Americans. Which has led to a lot of jokes, leading people in the US to believe that a bidet is a silly thing. It is not silly at all. Bidets are popular in France because people like to have sex there, and do not necessarily have the time or inclination to shower between events.

Actually, the French don't have much inclination to shower in the first place. But that is neither here nor there. Even if one showered morning, noon and night, one still might like to clean things up around 10 am and again around 3 in the afternoon and still again around 3:45, depending on how the day panned out, and of course a nice wash before bed after a wild night out. OR! you might want to clean things up first thing when you wake up and use the toilet, and for the same reason you might brush your teeth real quick, before climbing back into bed... I think you can see where we are going with this... You can shower for the day when you get up for real. You'll need it.

Or you might be the sort of person that does not always care to hop in the shower. How nice to have a way to be clean where it counts without making the commitment a real shower entails.

It is surprising how clean one feels if one is clean in the important places. Residents of the USA take it as a matter of pride that they shower two, three, even four times a day. Such a bad idea for so many reasons, and it does not appear that they are having sex anymore frequently than French people as a result. Au contraire. Plus, the overuse of water resources is a great ill on the American continent, and over-showering must be part of it or the authorities wouldn't have forced those horrid, flow-restricting showerheads on us.

So, use a bidet--Bottle Bidet or otherwise--on several of the occasions when you might have otherwise taken a shower. You will save thousands of gallons of water, lower your bills, improve the environmental impact of humans on the earth, and be fresher and cleaner where it counts. Bonus: You will feel far less guilty about having disabled the flow restrictor. (While you are freshening up, use some rubbing alcohol on the underarm region. It kills the bacteria responsible for odor, and you will be cleaner than a shower would have done in the first place.)

How does a bidet work?

A traditional bidet is a wash sink at toilet level. The water emerges from a spout in the middle of the "bowl". You turn on the water using the faucets at the back, get the temperature to your liking, and then sort of squat over it and wash yourself in any manner that suits you. You then dry yourself off with a towel.

There are, in recent years, little devices that retrofit onto the edge of a toilet which, according to the manufacturers, turn your toilet into a bidet. Well, sort of. The water is typically cold, or at best room temperature, which can feel pretty cold on your warm parts, and there is something attached to the smooth ceramic of your toilet. Oh dear. Now you don't have a real toilet OR a real bidet!

Why not get a real bidet?

If you can afford to have a bidet in your bathroom and have room for it, go ahead. It is a nice amenity, and it will make the neighbors think you are rich or of worldly sophistication. Of course, if you have a real bidet you will get used to being fresh and clean at every moment. Then you will certainly want to get a Bottle Bidet for when you are not in that particular bathroom. But, sure! Get a real bidet if you are so inclined. They cost $300+ for the porcelain object, and can be installed by someone with plumbing skills anywhere you have space and available plumbing.

Alternatively, the retrofit devices cost from perhaps $60 to $150. We have a few reservations about this idea, mostly the disturbing visual aspect of a mechanical addition to the toilet, and of course cleaning concerns. Manufacturers swear the devices self-clean before and after every use, but that just seems a little hopeful. Cleaning smooth ceramic is easy enough, and still not a favorite chore. No, I definitely don't want to also clean a mechanical device in that situation.

In any case, a device under the seat of the toilet could freak out guests. You'll have to judge all this for yourself. It seems like alot of complication for a very simple task.

Well, what's so great about a Bottle Bidet?

The idea is to clean the "butt", all its divine little parts, with clean, fresh water. The Bottle Bidet does this and nothing else, and does not disturb your life in any way. Plus, it can be used anywhere, including on road trips or long, busy days. The Bottle Bidet is filled with water at the sink, where you can choose the temperature to your exact preference. Marvelous! And when you are not using it, it can be in a drawer or cupboard, or in its own sweet little storage purse, which you can put in a drawer or hang on a hook or a doorknob, or whatever suits you. Oh! you cannot imagine until you have tried it, how delightful a perfectly warm wash of water feels. Or cool water on a hot day. Anyway, it's pretty great, plus the Bottle Bidet is portable, cheap and takes next to no time. Come to think of it, it is a little strange that you do not already have something for this purpose. Better get a Bottle Bidet today.

Can't I just use any old squirt bottle?

Sure you can. Or so we have heard. And if you are being superfrugal--and believe you me, we have been there--you can probably use one of those condiment squirt bottles to good effect, and they can probably be had for a few dollars at the dollar store. I think that is a great idea, and I think everyone should have something for this purpose, even if it is not an ideal something. The Bottle Bidet is dreamy and perfect for this use, though, because of its angled spout. You hold the bottle upside down and squeeze, and all is well. The water goes where it should, and you have fantastic control over the direction and the water pressure. Straight spouts are less convenient, less graceful, less efficient. But they are cheaper, true. And cheap is surely more important than convenience sometimes. Oh, you don't have to tell me about that.

Hey, if you decide to go this direction, you might use some funky old purse for storage and carrying, and you could cut up an old t-shirt to make mini-cloths for drying. Maybe 4-5" square. Don't cut up an old towel unless you have the patience to stitch around all the sides. Terrycloth unravels horribly in the wash if you don't stabilize the edges with a zig zag stitch or a serger. Do you even know what I'm talking about? Trust me. Just use an old T-shirt. Very soft on the parts, that will be. Good luck!

Wait a minute... Isn't this really a "douche"?

No. It really isn't. A douche is a contraption designed to wash the inside of a woman, which is a very different job than washing the outside of a man or a woman. For starters, a douche sprays water in every direction, for obvious reasons, while a bottle bidet sprays water in only one, easily controlled direction. Also for obvious reasons.

It is also not an enema. For heaven's sake. These things exist on the market and are easily had at the drugstore. Do not try to use your bottle bidet for these other, very different purposes.

Why are mini-cloths so small, and wouldn't a washcloth be fine?

Hmmm. Well. One is going to want to dry off while one is still seated, so water doesn't go anywhere it doesn't need to. The dimensions of that situation make a washcloth a little too big and awkward. Something smaller worked better. You can certainly get away with using a washcloth, though, or better yet, cut up a t-shirt into squares and use that.

(Mini-cloths are also great for wiping down the underarm region with rubbing alcohol, which is our other favorite way to freshen up without taking a shower. In truth, soap and water does not kill the bacteria that makes an underarm stink, so you might do this before or after taking a shower, too.)

What about those pre-packaged wipes?

They are fine, I suppose. But they do not compare to clear warm water when the goal is "delicious". Many of them might even be irritating to delicate tissues. The best choice, if you are to go that direction, is Preparation H wipes, as the only ingredient on them is witch hazel, which is a fine thing for cleaning body parts. Again, not as fresh and clean as 16 ounces of warm water, but in some cases better than nothing.

Why don't you have a selection of totes for me to choose from like normal retailers?

We make our glamorous storage totes from scraps of fabulous fabric left over from the studios of Ideal Garment and a marvelous upholsterer in the neighborhood. If we had to buy such fabric, you would be paying much more for the tote. Or we would have to use much less lovely stuff, which wouldn't be fun for anyone. Plus, since each tote is nearly unique, the chances that anyone would spot yours hanging on a doorknob and say "Aha! a Bottle Bidet!" is pretty much zero. We like to be delicious, but we also like to be discreet and mysterious.

In any case, we think it is super-cool to use these scraps that would otherwise be thrown out. Having said that, if you have a very particular aesthetic situation, contact us and we will try to be accomodating. And we're not a normal retailer, and don't even really want to make things for you, and definitely aren't going to arrange with sweatshops to get them made for you. Can't you just make them for yourself? Hey! That's a nice idea. Maybe we will post instructions on how to make your own tote. Soon, soon.

How do I care for my Bottle Bidet?

There is not much care involved. It never touches your body other than the hand that holds it, so it doesn't get grimy in any way. If you do drop it in a puddle of mud while carrying it somewhere, you can wash your Bottle Bidet as you would any laboratory-grade, plastic bottle.

You can throw the glamorous storage tote in the wash. Mini-cloths go in the washer and dryer, just like any washcloth or towel.

What are Ideal Garments? How can you tell they are "ideal"?

Ideal Garments are what we make. We make them up to be ideal because, really, why not? Who wants clothing that is not ideal? You can tell they are ideal because when people try to describe one, how comfortable it is, how useful and versatile, how attractive they feel in it, dressed to go anywhere and do anything, how easy it is to care for, how difficult it is to destroy... they go on for awhile, and then just say, "it's ideal!" Basically they are very simple garments made to order out of very lovely fabrics which we pre-wash. So the garments fit in a flattering rather than demeaning or demanding fashion, and can be washed without ruining the shape. Ideal.

Who the hell are you people, and how do you come up with this stuff?

We are standard-issue people of regular ages and normal education who, for a variety of reasons, are interested in how people stuck in civilization can live more gloriously, glamorously, deliciously, delightfully and everything good; while at the same time reducing effort, use of resources, trouble and strife and all things bad. Our curiosity, and necessity, has led us to some solutions which we offer to you, here at Bottle Bidet and also at Ideal Garment. Cheers! We'll submit better solutions when we come up with them.

Buy your Bottle Bidet today, and be delicious.

Bottle Bidet, bottle only large or small? Large bottle bidet, 16 oz $10.00 Small bottle bidet, 8 oz $9.00 Bottle Bidet, complete ensemble (bottle bidet, glamorous tote, and a handful of mini-cloths) large or small? Complete, large $40.00 Complete, small $37.00